Can women "Have it All?"

I had an epiphany when I commented on a Facebook post by a friend; which was this rather lengthy article-
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-can-8217-t-have-it-all/9020/?single_page=true.

I realized I certainly feel like I have "seen it all!,"having been in 2 very different work cultures before moving on to making my own. I've seen working single mothers struggle on their own, and other working mothers struggle despite having family and other help around, for various reasons. (From foundation-shaking divorces, rebellious kids, unavailable/unwilling parents, MILs who demand their 10-hr-job handling DILs do the family cooking, though they can perfectly well afford a cook, to life-force sucking commutes, incompetent maids and nannies, unavailable spouses to schizophrenic FIL- so there.)

The only way to make it work is by keeping your "All" elastic and adjusting your sails to the wind. The "all" should be a personal choice, made up of what you are willing to give up and what you cannot compromise on, and finding ways to negotiate yourself a better deal...no matter whatever situation you find yourself in. Nothing is ever absolute or constant. Your perceived "all" at 25 has got to be different from your "all" at 35, and 65! Your "all" is YOUR "all," not your best friend's or your cousin's or your high school competitor's or your co-workers. It is the sum of your unique abilities and demons, the customized curve-balls your life has thrown at you. A big chunk of my personal "all" is not just the good experiences but every single bump or hill in the road that has shaped who I am today. There were times when I felt like I had it all, yes, and we know all good things come to an end. So what do you do then? You just pace yourself, but keep going, till you reach the next phase in your life where you have it "all" again. It will be a different all but you will be a different person by then.

Some women in the article said they can't find a role model. Maybe they're not looking in the right place. For that matter, why need a role model? I believe there is something you can learn from every single person you meet in life; man or woman. You can learn things just by shutting out the noise and listening to your own heart. I believe that when you come up against a wall, you find ways to climb over it, dig underneath it, walk parallel to it to find a crack to butt your head against, or if nothing works, set up camp right next to it and enjoy the stay till, perhaps, a break comes from the OTHER side.


Its the same thing, in different words-quoting the article below-


Along the way, women should think about the climb to leadership not in terms of a straight upward slope, but as irregular stair steps, with periodic plateaus (and even dips) when they turn down promotions to remain in a job that works for their family situation; when they leave high-powered jobs and spend a year or two at home on a reduced schedule; or when they step off a conventional professional track to take a consulting position or project-based work for a number of years. I think of these plateaus as “investment intervals.”

Who asked you?

I suppose every mom has gone through this one time or another. Meeting some I-barely-know-you person who deems it their birthright to comment on how thin/fat/short/dark/lagging behind your kid is. Often in comparison to their own little darling. And this person is usually another mom. I've rarely come across a dad who says anything like this, either to me or to another dad.
So, the other day, I'd just about reached the end of my rope when a playground mom commented on how thin my daughter is. This after following her around for no reason for some 15 minutes and setting the stage with some observations that she seems to have a temper, she is so talkative, etc etc. I personally believe its not necessary to be nice in situations like this. So when the "small and thin" topic began; I looked this woman in the eye and said,"yes, she's a small, skinny kid and is likely to remain a skinny kid; because, as you can see her mother is petite. Now my brother was one, and so was my sister-in-law. My brother grew up to become a strapping Merchant Marine who pulled 14 hr shifts in the freezing North Atlantic and in the equatorial heat. My SIL is slim and smart and a university topper. And yours truly, at five foot plus nothing, has climbed the Grand Canyon and Havasu Canyon with a 27-pound backpack, Mt. Healy in Alaska and hiked in the hottest place on Earth, Death Valley. And 2 eminent pediatricians have told me there's no reason to worry about my child; who is a normal, happy and active youngster, and SPECIFICALLY TO IGNORE SUCH COMMENTS FROM PEOPLE LIKE YOU." Not the response the lady expected, I'm sure. She muttered something about "concern" and changed the subject. Concern my a**. At least credit our intelligence in being able to distinguish between someone who voices genuine concern and someone taking cheap pot-shots at a hardworking mom. A child's parents are the first line of concern...so before passing comments or judgments; give them the benefit of doubt that they are doing everything for their child. Don't you?

Remembering a past life

Some mornings you wake up and there are about 17 different things to accomplish before you can have breakfast, or even a quiet cup of coffee. I'm not kidding. Forget about my own morning routine and giving in to that desire for 5 more minutes of blissful snooze. (Hey, not my fault if the channel changed 'Supernatural' timings to 10PM instead of 9...a girl's gotta have her dose of ghosts and mysteries and eye candy at the end of a long hard day). The typical non-weekend morning also involves getting a reluctant kid awake, fed, bathed, dressed and ready for school. And a borderline-competent cook who has a tendency to pull disappearing acts, supervised to get a decent meal out. And a dog walked, exercised, fed and watered. If I'm lucky, a workout. (On second thoughts, as if all this isn't!). A nourishing breakfast prepared. Two lunch boxes packed. Compare it to the pre-motherhood routine that involved only about 5 things before jumping in the car to head to work. Motherhood has managed to get my a** in gear like nothing before it.
There are days when I look at a house that can't stay tidy for more than 5 minutes, where no two bedsheets and pillowcases match, where a false move can make you trip on a stray toy. There are days when I curse every freakin' jigsaw piece and building block in existence. Every time, I can almost hear my former super-organized, neat freak self from a past life laughing. My weekend sleeping-in, pedicure-getting, wanderlust-indulging, book-reading-in-coffee-shop loving single self...well, did she really exist? Maybe she did. But you know what; now few things can beat the sight of a tiny figure in white pyjamas running up to her first thing in the morning.

Got inked!

Pretty early into motherhood, I wanted a tattoo of my daughter's name. It took nearly 3 years, but that day came today! First it was the b-fing period, then the busy life that comes with being a working parent. Funnily, the actual process just took half an hour. But it took a long time to reach that point. I am now a proud inkee. My wrist tattoo proclaims "Aria" with an infinity symbol cleverly looped into the A. It's a reminder that our choices, actions and words have consequences that can be infinite. Its a good message for the caregiver of a small child; me thinks.
The artist Aarti smiled when I told her I wanted to ink my daughter's name. She said Aria will be so happy that her momma has written her name; that's when she's old enough to read!

I've heard tattooing can be addictive, and yeah I've already started thinking about my next one!

Pet topic!

I've long wanted to write something about children and pets. Wanted to make it a good one, too, because the topic is near to my heart. What just reminded me of this- my daughter is chasing our dog with a feather duster this very minute, to dust her off. The dog is making futile attempts to hide skulking behind our dining table, between furniture, by the door, and generally looking embarrassed as hell. Just another day in our lively household!

Before I had my daughter, I became pet mommy to a 12-week-old golden fur ball, half Lab, half Golden retriever named Maya. She was “Kendra” at the shelter, but we didn’t want our pet named after a Playboy Bunny J. Even remember the date- October 21, 2006. After several months of searching for the perfect pooch on Petfinder.com, visiting a couple of shelters, and fuming through a 3-week, longish delay stuck in Canada due to visa issues. The night before my visa appointment I was surfing through Petfinder.com, not able to sleep, when I see this post with a picture of 4 tiny puppies- 2 black, 2 golden that somebody had dropped off at a suburban shelter. The very weekend after my return to Michigan, we checked them out on what was one of the happiest days of my life. A week later, Maya came home.

Maya has changed 2 countries and shared 5 homes with us. She has terrorized several maids (all bark no bite), 2 cooks, converted about 45 non-dog people into dog lovers or at least, “likers”, precipitated the addition of another Lab, Buddy, to my in-laws’ home, and has a fan following of at least a hundred- including our family, friends, friends of friends, neighbors, pensioners, trekkers and even slum children. She has been a constant companion through some of the toughest phases of our lives. She single-handedly awakened my maternal instinct. I still remember the first visit to the vet to get her shots, the first night alone with her, dealing with separation anxiety, bathing, feeding, potty training, socialization et al! Couldn’t ask for a better warm-up for motherhood.

I walked her daily almost up to the 8^th month of my pregnancy. On these walks, we coolly returned glances at my huge belly, and pooh-poohed well-intentioned but frankly clueless advice about how my dog will be detrimental to my health and my baby’s. Maya was beside me right up to the night I was admitted in the hospital to deliver my daughter. She was so careful around the baby…in fact it was my daughter who made the first move by crawling up to her and patting her on the nose. I have albums full of pictures of the two; perusing it will be cuteness overload.

Maya totally destroyed the dog hate campaign being run by some un-enlightened individuals in our Bangalore apartment complex. In response to some mail about “fierce dogs” on the society forum, my husband simply shared a video of my 10-month-old bouncing up and down on Maya and friendly neighborhood Golden Retriever Leia, peering into their mouths, grabbing their ears and toddling about trying to decide which dog to sit on, while the dogs lie there all benign and only attempt to kiss her!

Parents, letting your children grow up with a dog is one of the best things you can do for them. If you have any doubts, feel free to leave a comment. I’m a fount of information on this topic!

Off to school. All too soon.

My daughter started attending her "big school" this week. The standard 3 years before 1st grade, nicknamed Playgroup, Nursery and Prep. Speaking of Prep, that's exactly what we were trying to do for our chatty, precocious not-quite-three year old bundle of chutzpah...taking her to the school at every opportunity, so its not altogether strange. Showing her a yellow school bus and telling her how much fun it will be to ride on it to school...etc. All said and done, it seems to have worked...day 1, some tears while boarding, but a good time and a triumphant return. Day 2, a mandatory bawl while saying goodbye but she comes back with a glow, super excited and crooning some new song we've never heard. Day 3, she climbs the little steps by herself. No tears, just a look of anticipation. Day 1 for me- I could hardly concentrate and events right from my labor, her birth, and random life events kept rewinding and playing in my head. I just buried my nose in "The Secret of The Nagas" which kept me going for the few hours of waiting! But so, so happy to see that she's liking her school. Me and her dad liked the school so much at the first go...felt like attending there ourselves :). It will be like revisiting school through her eyes. After all, we too have to discipline ourselves to get her brushed, fed, bathed, and at the bus stop on time. We too have to remain in the teachers' good books! We too have to learn basic arithmetic and repeat the alphabet till we're sick of it :). Algebra...aaaaaaaaaaargh. I just hope she's inherited her dad and both grand-dads' math abilities, not mine. Now language and art, that's another story...that's definitely me.

The Mommy Laws

1. The duration of a toddler tantrum is directly proportional to the pressure on Mommy's bladder, the distance to the nearest washroom, and inversely proportional to the limits of normal human patience.
2. Relativity comes naturally to toddlers when they develop the amazing ability to be in two places at once.
3. A strong attraction exists between toddlers and water bodies of every imaginable size. Always watch your step.

What's Baking?

In the faraway single days, I'd left the baking to my more talented room-mate, occasionally hazarding a brownie recipe from the Betty Crocker mix whenever the dark chocolate craving hit. But since my toddler hit the terrible-twos, I think our OTG (oven toaster grill)'s  a very solid buy. Baking is one helluva way to get EVERYTHING a fussy youngster wont eat, right down that hatch. I know, I know,  there's the mommy = baking stereotype but honestly, I couldn't care less. My skinny little one gobbles down the eggs, butter, fruit, veggies and atta that simply won't fly in any other formats! Get this right people: The way to a pediatrician's heart is through your child's stomach :) . I pat myself on the back as I mix yet another healthy yet yummy concoction.

I'm part of an online forum of enthusiastic bakers and recipe-sharers. Its awesome; its like having expert chefs, nutritionists and tech support all in one. 

As I write this there's a banana bread in the oven. The little one was ever so willing to help 'mix' the batter. The quantity that finally made it to the pan is a few spoonfuls less than what I'd started with...but hey, that is one happy youngster smelling absolutely yummy right now!

Try this for your kids, significant other, or as dessert tonight:

http://simplyrecipes.com/recipes/banana_bread/

Women's Day musings

Women's Day all over Facebook, in the newspapers, on TV. Makes me think this is really one of the best times in the history of the world to be a woman. We're educated, independent, opinionated, celebrated.
But once you start thinking about something, its only a few turns of the wheel before you start seeing the other side- notably, the section of the populace that doesn't know a Women's Day exists. The section that still feels a girl child is negligible, or ill luck and deserves to die in a horrible way minutes after her birth. As a mother, I feel knives ripping me up every time I read about something like this. As the mother of a delightful girl, I want to shake them and tell them what they're missing. And those who believe in putting their wives through yet another childbirth till a male heir is born. And those who will do the needful for their daughters just out of a sense of duty but secretly wish they had sons.

Its not just the uneducated class. Not by a long shot.

We went to check out a potential hospital for my delivery, and were getting the grand tour. There's this family in one room...private, too, not the general ward. A son had just been born just after 2 daughters, both of whom were present...and this disgusting dad who was gushing to all the guests about how they had been hoping and praying for a son, right in front of his daughters. The mother, stoic and silent. The grandmother, holding on to the infant for dear life. The daughters, looking at their oblivious father with such emotions flitting across their little faces that I just wanted to hug them.

How do you tackle something like this?

Things I'd have done differently

Well, its not a regret if someone can get the benefit of your experience! So here goes-

1. Put a lot of money in a fixed deposit and used the interest to buy diapers. In bulk. Those suckers do pile up. Oh and about 5 years worth of nose-wipe tissues.
2. Been a lot more understanding of working mothers in general, long before I found myself in those shoes.
3. Decided on an epidural early on in the birthing plan without wondering if I could "tough it out." The point where you are convinced the next contraction will finish you off is not the right moment to demand one :)
4. Kissed my sleep goodbye with a calm mind. No one tells you how tough its going to be. It will be easier if one knew early on that they're gonna be best friends with the moon for the next couple of years.
5. Done the dozens of things that come to mind now that I have no time to do them.

Best status updates since sporting a baby bump- 2009

1.  I find BABY BUMP = VIP PASS...be it IndiJoe's or Bobby da Dhaba!
2.  Getting ready for D-Day and superbored:  It's called "delivery" for a reason!
3. First post returning home from hospital: Thanks all for their good wishes and says sorry for prolonging the suspense! I just got discharged today and am home with my new PINK bundle of...well, "joy" would be a colossal understatement!!
4. Days are a haze.
5. Baby CJ loves to hear mommy sing "I'll be all right" from Dostana :)
6. Have to drink an awful syrup called Vitcofol that's got so much iron; it tastes like blood. YUCK. The "Twilight" Cullens would love it.
7. "Motherhood has a very humanizing effect. Everything gets reduced to essentials."__Meryl Streep
8. Finally got 8 hours of sleep over the last 24 hours: 2 + 0.5 + 2 + 1.5 + 1.5 + 0.5.
9. It's beyond amazing to be recognized......by a 3-week old human being.
10. to everybody on "Namewatch"....Baby CJ gets her official name this Sunday!
11. is feeling the accumulated effects of 7 weeks of sleep deprivation! :(
12. Baby CJ's name is...http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aria 
13. Reaching new levels of multitasking: Comforting a cranky baby and emotional dog during a thunderstorm/power cut while trying work the emergency light and grab a well-earned bite. And I haven't even gone back to work yet!
14.  Countdown to Bangalore. 3...2...1. WHERE DID THE TIME GO??? will be cursing Bangalore traffic "live" at this time tomorrow.
15. There is a first time for everything..."Flying with an Infant"---Check!
16. Back at work this time tomorrow. Again..WHERE DID THE TIME GO???
17. Good to be back in the old cube!! Thanks to my cool cube neighbors mostly :)
18. Before motherhood: Live to eat. After: Eat to live.
19. got hit on, and called "aunty" all in one day. Confused!!!
20. taking Aria to see the Christmas lights at UB City
21. New item on my diet...Cerelac :)

The Mother is Sitting Phenomenon

During an especially harassed week, my dad, who loves to find hidden gems in secondhand book stores, presented me with "Aunt Erma's Cope Book- How to Get from Monday to Friday- in 12 days." The famous American humorist was also a stay-at-home mom who managed to whip out features and humorous books over a career spanning many years. Don't take my word for it- read on! I can see you nodding in agreement from here :)

For years, I have studied the phenomenon of the mother who sits down for a moment to get off her feet. From all I've been able to gather, a message goes out over an invisible network that flashes to the world "Mother is in a sitting positio...n. Proceed and de-sit."

At that moment the doorbell will ring, children will appear holding vital parts of their anatomy, the dog will dig his paws insistently into a leg, a husband will call impatiently for help, a pot will boil over, a buzzer will sound, or faucets will go on all over the house, and a loud voice will shriek, "I'm telling."

The "Mother is sitting" phenomenon is probably one of the reasons meditation never really got a foothold on mothers when they were the ones who needed it the most.----From "Aunt Erma's Cope Book: How to get from Monday to Friday in 12 days

Tips for travelling with Infants and Toddlers- from a mom with winged feet!

1. Go light. It is possible! Instead of carrying your entire bottles of baby lotion, shampoo etc- pour liquids into small travel-sized containers enough for the duration of your trip.
2. Buy a good lightweight acrylic blanket that folds int...o a small size
3. Look for accommodation that will give you kitchen rights- e.g. a houseboat in Kerala and homestay in Coorg, or a suite at a hotel. Very handy if you need to boil your own water or want your baby to get fresh purees etc
4. A good sturdy baby sling is a must. Or rent strollers at the destination instead of lugging your own.
5. Don't be afraid of giving your baby a small amount of "outside" food, if it is boiled or steamed like veggies or rice. Even in India.
6. As a backup, carry dry food like Cerelac and a mixing bowl + spoon. Disposables are great.
7. In cold places, dress baby in layers, alternating the outermost layer to minimize the need for carrying lots of clothes. Supplement with lots of bibs.
8. Carry small sizes of child-friendly bug repellents on camping trips
9. The most baby-friendly airline in India is Jet Airways. They will give you a seat next to a woman if you ask, or a seat all to yourself in the least-crowded area if available. If traveling alone, you will have a very caring escort from check-in to boarding and will ensure u get through security with minimum hassle.
10. To prevent diaper rash on long journeys by air or road, use a good barrier ointment like J & J oil gel before putting on a diaper.
11. Wherever you are, find a quiet place every couple of hours and feed baby.
12. Carry a thermos flask for warm water. Usually you get bottled mineral water everywhere.
13. Get a good baby sunscreen and try to stay out of direct sun. Else ...carry hats and umbrellas. Baby sling + umbrella totally works, rain or shine.
14. A sturdy and waterproof diaper bag is a given (I recommend Carter's). Always keep it packed with a small pack of wipes, couple of diapers, a canister of formula, a sipper cup, diaper ointment or barrier cream, change of clothes and underwear, bib, sweater and blanket.
15. Get a list of basic meds for fever, upset stomach, cough/cold, etc. just in case and carry small sizes of each just in case. If you are going abroad, carry a copy of your child's medical and immunization records.
16. Wipe or wash the kid's hands frequently. Hand-to-mouth transfer is inevitable but diligently cleaning will help minimize the damage.
16. Use hand sanitizer after every diaper change if there's no wash facility available
17. If you run short of clothes, buy something with local flavor for more fun pix!
18. Cotton and only cotton in summer. Powder frequently and liberally especially if confining baby to a car seat, to prevent heat rash.
19. Supply entertainment and variety of healthy biscuits on long car/train/plane travels
20. Locate good pediatricians and well-stocked baby stores beforehand at your destination, if you plan to be there for a long time. Ask among friends/friends of friends/relatives or even hotel staff for referrals.

What is the Motherhood Knot?

The Celtic Motherhood Knot or better known as The Celtic Mother's Knot is unassuming stylized holy trinity knot depicting a parent and child embrace. It is representative of the Madonna and child.
Being hugely into symbols, Celtic among others, I could think of no better name for my new blog. What would better represent a bond whose strength, purity and depth of love defies description?